October 1, 2010
I can't think straight anymore, I try to, and all that I can think of is him...
Jesse passed away in July, and ever since nothing has been the same.
Nobody, aside from my counselor, knows how I felt about him...but I guess whoever reads this will know now too.
You know, it's one of those things where you lose someone and you realize how much they really meant to you. Now, most people would just say "wow, what an attention seeker, she's only saying this because she wants attention, she didn't actually feel that way"...but what do they know? Were they in my friendship with him? No. Did they ever ask me how I felt about him? No. Did I ever tell them how I felt about him? No. Do they really even care? Probably not. So if all those answers are no's then why do they have the right to say that I'm just seeking attention?
They don't.
So, the truth of the matter is that I loved him...yes, a 16/17 year old can actually love.
I never even told him how I felt..and I think that's what hurts the most. The not knowing. The what if's. What if I told him? What if we did go out? What if? What if? What if.
Yesterday, my counselor got it out of me...I guess I was trying to deny it. It hurt less if I denied it. If I told myself that it was the grief of losing a friend talking. But it wasn't. Because I think back, and I realize that it was love, it wasn't some silly crush..it was real.
He was my..everything..my confidence, my rock, my push in the right direction.
And it kills me knowing that he never knew.
I suppose that I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life, and learn that life is too short for what if's, life is too short to not tell people how you feel.
It was a love loss, and that makes it so much harder.
But I will live for him.
His death was not just a loss, because he left me, and so many other people, with the strength to carry on. He taught so many different people so many different things.
I know that one day I will be able to handle this, and look back on all the memories and smile instead of cry. But for right now, I'm still grieving, and I don't know how long the process will take. I do know that I want just one last two-handed hug...I'm thankful that he made me use both arms, he forced them out of me even when I was sad, I'm glad I got so many of them...
But I'm left longing for one last hug...one last thank you...one final goodbye...
